My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
