no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
