FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
she peed on how many people?
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
