Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Randomize
