it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
