we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
