was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
