it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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