Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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