last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
