your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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