You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
sarcasm needs its own font
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
