he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
