but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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