I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize
