I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
