i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
