Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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