you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Houston, we have a squirter
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Randomize
