My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
