This dress was meant to end up on your floor
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
