You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
