When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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