tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
