My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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