brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
