3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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