boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
