There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
