you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
