Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
