How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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