allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize