Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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