So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
