What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
My penis needs a shock collar
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize