I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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