My nipple is on Facebook.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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