You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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