we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
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