The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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