Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
