i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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