I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
