My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
