We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
