when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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