i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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