I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize