I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
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