Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
There's a naked man in my car right now.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm like, not good at living.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Randomize
