my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize