I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
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