i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
