Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
You may now shotgun with the bride
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
