i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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