We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
