then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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