A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
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